he will give beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of despair.

Dependent.

2011-12-01T21:24:00.003-05:00

Life is a struggle lately.
I feel like I am up and down every other moment.
So much suffering.
So much brokenness.
Despite this whirlwind of chaos, I am so grateful for a God who is unwavering and still Is.
In the midst of my ever changing emotions and circumstances, He never changes and is still chasing and pursuing this wrecked heart of mine.
It boggles my mind that I would be deserving of such love.
I know a few things for sure:
I need people.
I am dependent on relationship.
I am not ashamed to admit that.
I can not do this alone.
We were not designed to.
I am loved.
By a God who relentlessly lavishes his love on me, and by a man who exemplifies the love of Christ daily to me- despite my frailty.
I need grace.
I fall and will continue to fall- but I know that the hands that hold the world and designed me are the hands I am falling into.

Amen.

change

2011-11-12T22:17:00.002-05:00

As I sit at the Starbucks Brian and I had our first date at, ironically across the street from the Bravo we dined at after he asked me to marry me and as Damien Rice, Delicate, plays on the Starbucks speakers, I am astounded at how much has changed in my life in the past year or so. I have fallen into this kind of love that I do not deserve. I have been captivated by a man who pursues me, chases after me despite my efforts to run and push away- a man who teaches me who Jesus is every single day. It boggles my mind that such love is possible. Don't get me wrong, we of all people understand that relationships are work- and there are going to be days when you have to choose to love the other- but something deep within me tells me it's worth it. It's worth it to reveal yourself to someone. It's worth it to show the ugly places of your heart to the man who guides your world. Its hard, yes. Its work, yes. Its emotionally draining some days, absolutely. But somehow, even that is worship. Even that is beautiful and rich and valuable.

Praise be to God.

26

2011-09-23T00:33:00.003-04:00

I've always been the reflective type.
But now- being that I just turned 26 33 minutes ago, I feel even more reflective on the past year.
The ups and the downs.
In my 25th year of life I:
dealt and walked through the death and trauma of finding one of our dear friends dead along side of a homeless camp where we volunteered
took dating Brian Packert more seriously and got engaged to him
gained new family
started and completed my practicum at the elementary schools
started my high school internship
fully engulfed myself in my school counseling program
spent a lot of time with the middle school youth group at my church
had endless laughs and tickle fights with two amazing children
saw them grow up from babies to children
embraced my position as a leon family member
watched those that i love, hurt
became more organized and diligent about taking control of who laura is
became into myself, unashamedly
In my 26th year of life I hope to:
marry the man my heart was created for
make good decisions
be intentional in my relationships
finish out my last year of grad school, strong
plan a wedding
be a positive role model for the hs/ms students at my internship
make my middle schoolers feel loved
be active in abbi and noahs life
know Jesus more
know grace more
love deeper
love free-er
become more thankful and less wanting.

May I know Christ dwelling within me more, and less of me.

abondant grace

2011-08-02T21:12:00.002-04:00

God provides for his people.
i am absolutely sure of it.
and he provides and chases after me even when i feel so far away or so undeserving.
what a beautiful god.

thankful for:
community
love
providence
the ability to love two beautiful children during the day
and 4 wonderful people in the evenings.
middle schoolers
being shown grace daily by the man i will soon call my husband
and knowing that every moment i am being made new.

people.

2011-07-26T21:22:00.002-04:00

i just found my old LiveJournal and Xanga accounts from highschool into college.
i put so much of my worth, my happiness, my joy into the hands of the people in my life.
it saddens me.
every post early on was "i am so happy- i have the best people in the world in my life".
people. people. people.
and to think that almost 10 years later, i'd come to know this King who holds my worth.
this King who pursues me even as i sleep.
this King who, even as i push away or decide not to look into His eyes, never turns his face away.
and to think that throughout all those years, my friends loving me, was simply a glimpse of the love i would come to know.
amen.

grace.

2011-06-29T20:55:00.002-04:00

I am currently a practicum student in a clinical/school counseling program.
Every week, we sit there and some of the other students in my class complain and almost make a joke over some of their clients.
Clients who have killed someone.
Clients who are drug addicts.
Clients who have no one in the world left to believe in them.
And a part of me gets so frustrated and borderline frustrated.
That we sit there, try to label people, and make a mockery when Jesus' heart is breaking for them.
Isnt there enough grace for them, too?
What if we were the few people in the world that could look at this person- dirty, trapped, filthy and full of sin and be the ones to believe in them regardless of their past?
Why can't we offer them grace?
Why can't we look at them and love?
Can't we just simply see a person who messed up?
A person that is trapped?
Isnt there freedom in offering grace?
I get so frustrated.
Grace is for them, too.
Why can't we offer that to them?
I've slowly gotten attached to the Casey Anthony case.
Given, I never watch TV and keep up with my news via my CNN app on my phone- so this is new for me.
I agree that justice needs to be served.
But I just get so sad for Casey- that no one in her life is offering her grace, love or truth.
Yes, she's lied and possibly murdered.
I just wonder how lonely and lost she must feel.
To know that she made such a mess of her life and has literally dug herself into a hole which she will never get out of.
I understand that she killed her daughter.
But I also bet she wishes she could take back those moments and the moments leading up to them with everything in her.
By no means do I support what she did, but my heart just gets so heavy and sad for her and her loneliness and hopelessness.

Where is grace?

yahweh.

2011-04-21T21:42:00.003-04:00

life is beautiful.
its full of brokeness, redemption, grace, and life.
i learn that every single day.
every single day i learn more and more about my need for grace.
for my need for life.
for my need for Jesus.

i can not do this life alone.
when i try, i fail.
and i am selfish.
and i steal from others, i steal from myself, i steal from joy, and i steal from Jesus.

yet the price has been paid?
my sin is on the cross.
my sin has been redeemed.
a truth that i still can't fully grasp.
a truth that sets man free.

and in Him there is love.
and no love happens besides through Him.
yet i still steal and tarnish that love.

i am loved.
by the Creator of the Universe.
by Jehovah-Jireh- the Lord who provides
by my Abba.

i am Loved.
and in that, I give it my best attempt to love and be loved.

Amen

2011-03-10T11:41:00.000-05:00

We will have love
We will have pain
There will be days and days and days that feel the same
We will have fear
We will have joy
And maybe little girls and little boys

We will have friends
We will have peace
There will be nights of lights and music 'til you sleep
We will be strong
We will still break
We'll live through so much more than we can take

Amen
Amen
With the dawn, we all begin again
Amen
Amen
What is done, and yet to come
Amen

We will have hope
We will have doubt
There will be memories we could never live without
We will have tears
But there will be grace
There will be prayers that we never thought we'd pray

Amen
Amen
With the dawn, we all begin again
Amen
Amen
What is done, and yet to come
Amen

In the sun or the storms
The flood or the flames
Let everything come, and I'm the one to blame
In heartache or hope
I swear I'll say, I'll say

Amen
Amen
With the dawn, we all begin again
Amen
Amen
What is done, and yet to come
Amen

-Dave Barnes, Amen

begin

2011-02-19T14:01:00.000-05:00

Will we be the one's to understand?

it will set you free.

2011-01-25T14:35:00.001-05:00

Serve God, love me and mend
This is not the end
Lived unbruised, we are friends
I'm sorry

Sigh no more, no more
One foot in sea and one on shore
My heart was never pure
You know me

But man is a giddy thing
Oh man is a giddy thing
Love it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be

There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

they stay the same.

2011-01-19T19:05:00.001-05:00

Older chests reveal themselves
Like a crack in a wall
Starting small, and grow in time
And we all seem to need the help
Of someone else
To mend that shelf
of too many books
Read me your favorite line

Papa went to other lands
And he found someone who understands
The ticking, and the western man's need to cry
He came back the other day, yeah you know
Some things in life may change
And some things
They stay the same

Like time, there's always time
On my mind
So pass me by, I'll be fine
Just give me time

Older gents sit on the fence
With their cap in hand
Looking grand
They watch their city change
Children scream, or so it seems,
Louder than before
Out of doors, into stores with bigger names
Mama tried to wash their faces
But these kids they lost their graces
And daddy lost at the races too many times

She broke down the other day, yeah you know
Some things in life may change
And some things they stay the same

Like time, time, there's always time
On my mind
So pass me by, I'll be fine
Just give me time,
Time, there's always time
On my mind
Pass me by, I'll be fine
Just give me time

forgive them anyways

2011-01-11T23:21:00.001-05:00

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you’ve got anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you, and God; It was never between you and them anyway. -Mother Theresa

in the end, the only thing that matters is Him

2011-01-02T21:01:00.004-05:00

It is the silence of our whole being before God, in the habitual realization that He is everything and we are nothing, that He is the center to which all things tend, and to whom all our actions must be directed. That our life and strength proceed from Him, that both in life and in death we depend entirely on Him, that the whole course of our life is foreknown by Him and falls into the plan of His wise and merciful Providence; that it is absurd to live as though without Him, for ourselves, by ourselves, that all of our plans and spiritual ambitions are useless unless they come from Him and end in Him and that, in the end, the only thing that matters is Him. -Thomas Merton

You see you

2010-12-26T01:10:00.000-05:00

http://m.youtube.com/index?desktop_uri=%2F&gl=US#/watch?xl=xl_blazer&v=CHzvdk0MamA

In a mess like my life, you see RIGHTEOUSNESS

Decrease me

love people

2010-12-21T16:54:00.001-05:00

“The more I think it over, the more I feel that there is nothing more truly artistic than to love people.” – Vincent Van Gogh

you find it most beautiful

2010-12-12T19:24:00.000-05:00

"And I believe in love. And beauty. I believe that every single person has something they find beautiful and that they truly love. The smell of their child's hair, the silence of a forest, their lover's crooked grin. Their country, their religion, their family. And I believe that if you follow this love all the way to its end, if you start with the thing you find most beautiful and trace its perfume back to its essence, you will perceive an intangible presence, a swath of stillness that allows the things you love to be visible like the openness of the sky reveals the presence of the moon." -Geneen Roth

but by experience

2010-12-05T22:25:00.002-05:00

"To be grateful is to recognize the Love of God in everything He has given us- and He has given us everything. Every breath we draw is a gift of His love, every moment of existence is a grace, for it brings with it immense graces from Him. Gratitude therefore takes nothing for granted, is never unresponsive, is constantly awakening to new wonder and to praise of the goodness of God. For the grateful man knows that God is good, not by hearsay but by experience. And that is what makes all the difference." -Thomas Merton

title

2010-12-03T10:22:00.002-05:00

So.
Heres the deal.
I just re-read a lot of my blog entries from the past 3 years and they all sound the same.
Not kidding they all start with something like "I haven't written in forever" or "I'm just going to document my every day life".
Whatever, Laura- you say that every time.
Get a life!
Speaking of life- my life (and I hold my breath saying this) seems really stable and really good right now.
I'm dealing with the Tim things as well as I can- given, flashbacks come up and the questions soar through my mind left and right.
But, I'm dealing with it and have an amazing counselor who is walking this with me.
Of course, amazing friends and family too.
I do know one thing- I am so glad that I wasnt alone when I found his body.
I'm so glad that there were 5 other people there with me that morning.
Those 5 people are in the same boat as I am when it comes with dealing with the trauma of that day.
And that, I am so grateful for.
I am not alone.
Thank the Lord God Almighty maker of heaven and earth!
But really, I'm not trying to make my posts be all depressing- becuase currently thats the farthest from what my life is right now.
I am just being molded and shaped.
And I wouldnt trade that.
My life looks like this recently:
a whole lot of tickle fights, hugs, and sillyness.
a whole lot of family, friends, and people.
crazy middle schoolers.
insane amounts of school work and studying.
and appreciating the gift of solitude.
Back on the school note- I have hit a wall.
Honestly I am so ready to be done with school and in the working world.
I can not can not can not wait to be a school counselor.
And secretly, I can not wait to move someplace new. Preferably someplace warm with cool winters. I cant take this cold anymore.
But I am excited for that adventure.
Its right around the corner! Ill be done with my programs in a year and a half!
Then I uproot myself and find a new home!
I cant wait.
I need it.
My heart needs it!
Well, thats it!
Time to go play with the greatest 2 year old alive!
Love to all!

he wants it.

2010-11-30T22:13:00.004-05:00

"If we know how great is the love of Jesus for us we will never be afraid to go to Him in all our poverty, in our weakness, all of our spiritual wretchedness and infirmity. indeed, when we understand the true nature of His love for us, we will prefer to come to Him poor and helpless. We will never be ashamed of our distress. Distress is to our advantage when we have nothing to seek but mercy. We can be glad of our helplessness when we really believe that His power is made perfect in our infirmity...We must love our own poverty as Jesus loves it. It is so valuable to Him that He died on the Cross to present our poverty to His Father, and endow us with the riches of His own infinite mercy. We must love the poverty of others as Jesus loves it. We must see them with the eyes of His own compassion." -Thomas Merton, Thoughts in Solitude

I Am

2010-11-11T20:56:00.000-05:00

I've never left
I am here
I am within
I am so in love with you and your heart
I adore you
Be still, my precious child, and know that I am here
Trust that
Believe
Look into my eyes
Find my heart
My heart that beats for you
Every second that goes by, I am with you
Trust that
Believe
I am who I say I am and I'll do what I say I'll do
Be free to love
Love as if fear was non-existent or that hurt and pain never were
Love like its worth it- because it is
I Am.

grow

2010-11-01T06:19:00.000-04:00

"A seed only flourishes by staying in the ground in which it was sown. When you keep digging the seed up to check whether it is growing, it will never bear fruit. Think about yourself as a little seed planted in rich soul. All you have to do is STAY THERE and TRUST that the SOIL CONTAINS EVERYTHING YOU NEED to grow. Growth that takes place even when you don't feel it." -Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love

oh for a heart that does not ache.

2010-10-24T17:29:00.002-04:00

I learned something again this weekend.
A lesson that I learn over and over.
I learned, again, that its okay to be angry at God.
Its okay to be mad.
Its okay to be hurt.
It's okay to be pissed off.
Because He gets it.
He knows.
And as much as it hurts to see His child so shattered and hurt, He wants to hear it from the depths of our hearts.
He wants to share in that deep secret.
He counts every tear.
And although the feelings don't necessarily leave, something happens in that moment that you tell Him.
A weight is lifted.
A peace comes.
Something deep within your heart whispers "I know".
And somehow, you let out that sigh after a good hard cry, that you know deep within that its going to be okay.
Its going to be okay even if the rugs been pulled out from under you over and over.
Its going to be okay even more so in those moments.
It sounds so messed up in our earthly minds.
But, it's true.
And although its not a click of the fingers and move on kind of thing, we have to work through this heavy stuff weighing on our hearts.
And thats what I will do.
Because, somehow, He loves us.
And he pursues us and chases after us even when our lives feel like its a mess and we're mad, angry, and pissed of that God would oversee all the hard things that happen without doing something to stop it.
He pursues us.
And that, is the goodness.

redemption

2010-09-28T16:13:00.002-04:00

It's been a while. So much has happened within me in the past month or so. Redemption has taken over areas of my heart which were once haunting. There is something to be said about allowing grace to soak into those ugly areas. I'm not exactly sure what the words are that give justice to it all, but I know that my heart is continually being renewed and redeemed. Not only just in the Tim area- but in areas where I was stupid and made poor decisions. Whether that be choosing poor people to give pieces of my heart to, or feeling completely empty and alone yet running to things or people who provide temporary fulfillment- none of it worked. And if anything, it left me that much more empty and broken. Which, somehow, God looks at and calls beauty? It boggles my mind. Anyways, thats what I'm being reminded of daily- of redemption, renewal, and grace. And somehow, I am loved and a stronger person that I was yesterday. I am being made new. And my heart is opening up to something so new and so good- something that I never thought I deserved. Girls, trust me when I say that you should never, ever, ever settle for being treated like dirt. Never. You were not made to feel like you are stupid. You were not made to feel like you're only worthy of someone who will throw you on the ground and spit on you then run back to you claiming some magical "change" has happened. You deserve more. I am sure of it. Listen to me. There is hope. I promise.
I spent the weekend in Florida with my wonderful family. Who does that- goes to Florida just for the weekend? Given, we went Friday and Monday, too, but really- who just does that for a few days? It was refreshing. It was everything I expected it to be- and more. The conversation that went on between all of us- whether it be figuring out whats "genetic" and similar within our family, holding baby Isaiah, talking about Judaism verses following Christ and where our hearts were in that, or learning about love and commitment through listening to the life stories of my beautiful 89 year old Grandma- it all was perfect and beautiful. My family means the world to me and I probably don't express it as much as it deserves.
Well, I'm off to 4 hours of class. Yuck.
Hope you are well.
Laura

emotional scars often become wounds again.

2010-08-29T21:19:00.000-04:00

"Stop trying so hard; it only drains the energy you need. Trust me when I say the images will not go away. You must use your faith to accept that Tim is gone and you may not know why. Again, God gives us all an inordinate amount of Love and we must draw upon that in times such as these. You still hurt for James, and this tragedy brings that event closer to home. Wounds to the heart are like those to any other part of our body, they cause scarring. The emotional scars don't show until something reminds us of the cause. You are strong! You just need time to understand that life for you will go on and you have much work to do in God's name."

hell

2010-08-24T20:55:00.002-04:00

Things are really really really horrifying right now. Please pray for us. God is near. I feel him. I believe he is even when I don't feel him. And I believe that our character is being built and that what has happened in the past few days will be redeemed if it already isn't already.
Pray for us,
Laura

open arms

2010-08-12T06:45:00.000-04:00

Hello, blog world! Its been a while! I say that everytime, I know. Life has been interesg lately. But good. The service trip with my 8th graders was fantastic. They teach me how to love everyday and show me what Jesus looks like with every person they choose to love. It kills me to think that they are moving to the highschool group in a matter of weeks. However, I couldn't have imagined working with any other group my first year of being a leader. They are such strong individuals and I am so hopeful for the future as they become the next leaders. What's next for me? I think ill be working with the 7th graders. At first I was going to be with the incoming 6th graders but given that I only have two years left in Canton it makes sense to stick with a group that I can finish with. So, that's the plan as of now. That could change at any minute so don't hold me to it. I get so pumped up and excited praying for whatever students I get to work with. I know that this coming year I want to be such a strong source of love for whoevers paths meet mine and those who don't. Pray for that for me. Because honestly loving is such a daily battle. I'm not sure if its like that for you but recently I've just been wounded to the point of putting up walls so I wouldn't have to be hurt again. Every time that I pray against that God reminds me, "my daughter, don't give up on love. Fight for it. With all you've got". So, ill fight. Ill fight for vulnerability. Ill fight even thought I know the risk of getting hurt is high. At the same time as being wounded, I've also been overwhelmed with love. Contradicting, right? I say this in almost every update but I really do have the best friends and family anyone could ever ask or hope for. And I'm so thankful for the moments of truth that alwasy seem to break through in my moments of weakness. Dispite how much loving can tax my strength, I won't give up. I refuse to give up on loving people. It might be a daily battle but its a daily battle I refuse to surrender to.
Until next time,
Laura

whoa whoa whoa

2010-07-17T22:54:00.002-04:00

Hold it right there- I know I said I was going to update every single day about what I do throughout the day but life just got a hold of me and threw me for a loop.
So whats new?
A lot, you could say.
Been spending time with really great people- learning a lot about who I am becoming/who I am/who I don't want to be. Also learning about what kinds of people I need in my life to encourage me/build me up/speak truth into me.
On that note, I should say that I am really really lucky to have astounding people in my life. Really, I was just overcome by that reality tonight on my drive back to Canton. Even in the moments when I think I make poor decisions, these people still love me and still push me back onto my feet again. For that, I am so thankful.
But, I also have some unhealthy relationships in my life that pull me down and suck everything out of me. Thats one thing in this whole cut back kick that I'm in that needs to be mastered. I know what I deserve and am reclaiming new levels of standards- of which, I wont settle or lower even in the moments where I feel the weakest. I need you to hold me to it though- because honestly, its really tough for me. Why? It shouldnt be, right? Well, I just care about some of these people- really deeply. And to have to learn balance and even as far as cutting some branches, thats really really difficult. But, I know that its going to hurt but in hurting, restoration and renewal comes. So, bring it on.
This week I get to spend with some incredible 8th graders and totally rockin youth leaders. I am stoked. Its totally going to beat me up going straight from the gym, to work, to the missions trip- but, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Be praying for them- that they would know grace, that they would know what serving in your own backyard looks like, that they would know that they are loved, and especially that they would be love.
Grace and peace to you,
Laura

something beautiful

2010-06-24T23:33:00.004-04:00

So much for the blog every breath of my life! Its been too busy for my own good. Actually, thats not true because its been very good!! The past week has consisted of: a talk that was really hard to have but was for the good, a beautiful day spent in Indiana with the Laughlin's, family birthday celebrations, my sister asking me if I was wearing Spankx because I've lost so much weight- but I WASNT! That felt really good! Confirmation and affirmation from so many friends and family in my life about something so important to me- which is something that as much as sometimes I don't like to hear, I am glad I hear because they see things clearer than I do, most of the time. A 4 day week with my kiddos- spent with emotional breakdowns which always ended in cuddling and me re-assuring him that "everything was ok" and that "I know". Soccer camp. Anisha saying in the same sentence, "Wow, Laura so many people are taking pictures of the rain (lightning-she really believes that) do you know God?" "Yep" "Do you pray to him everyday?" "Yep." "Do you know where he lives?" "He's all around us." "Did you know he lives in India?" "Yep." After all, people were taking pictures of the rain.
: )
A drama-interrupted class. Dinner with Chrissy. And finally up until tonight- a movie night with Natalie which was perfect for the end of the week! I am so thankful for that girl- I tell you what, I don't know where I'd be without her friendship, humor, and ability to understand when I don't have my crap together. We watched When a Man Loves a Woman for class. I had never seen the movie before but it broke my heart for the reality that it is and is becoming increasingly worse. Hopefully I don't pour too much of my emotions into the response paper! I only have 3-4 pages to do it in! And while were on the topic of emotions, I think that feelings are so beautiful- no matter what they are. And the human body. But that's another post for another day after I pray through my objectifying and lust issues. I am very excited for what this vacation week will bring; lunch with c and c tomorrow followed by some great Indian cuisine and a movie with P, K, and A. Saturday is a 12-6 Cory day then helping Paige out with a babysitting gig followed by maybe hanging out with a friend. Sunday, church and family lunch then studying alllll day for an exam and writing papers til I have no more words to say. Monday is a big day- Doctor Appointments Day 2010. I've been nervous about that for a while. I'll be glad when everythings said and done. Then finally, headin back to Canton on Monday night for an all day study sessh on Tuesday. Exam 3 then one week of classes left!! Woohoo!! We almost made it!!
Enjoy your moments.

today

2010-06-17T20:15:00.004-04:00

Today consisted of: half-day Thursday which of course included tickle wars won by yours truly, my mind being completely boggled by the concept of learning and just watching Anisha and Manav learn so much yet still having the rest of their lives ahead of them to learn both the good and the bad, bought some really great gifts for some really great friends, a kick-a weight watchers meeting which wasn't expected at all, cleaning, the discovering of what PIN messaging is and establishing the CRISIS ONLY RULES with Robyn, reading for class and emotionally getting involved almost to the point of needing to stop reading to compose myself, feeling sad for the little girl I used to be but also thankful because that little girl has become such a strong woman, some quality wii time with Noah, and now just writing an email to Steph about how my heart doesnt make sense and getting things organized before tomorrow! It has been officially decided that I, Laura Lynn Clowson, am the worst present wrapper in the history of the earth. I really need to take up a Christmas time job at a store to learn how to wrap gifts because using the bag approach is fine in the eyes of the recipient, but the guilt that overcomes me knowing the only reason I used a bag is because my wrapping technique is awful is detrimental to my well-being.
So, here's to trying to become a savvy wrapper before Christmas time!

remembering

2010-06-16T21:25:00.003-04:00

Goodness, it's been forever. I was talking to a friend today and decided that I want to pick this back up again but more centered around my day and what I did- things that stuck out, thoughts that crossed my mind, and the like. Honestly I think back ten years ago when I was about to turn 15 and all I could remember was my mom being sick, Tim's mom dying, and being mad that my parents wouldnt let me tan like Kelsey's parents did. That makes me so sad- not that my parents wouldnt let me tan but that as the years keep picking up, my memory keeps getting rid of precious moments. Thus, I will blog. Given, I'm not expecting anyone to read this and to be quite honest, I'm not expecting anything monumental or moving to come from anything I write. I just want to remember. I want to remember the little moments of my life where I was caught in awe. Or even the moments when I've had it with myself. So, here's to remembering!
My day was good- layed in bed for about 10 minutes trying to talk myself into going to the gym. Thats how it works with me- I push the snooze button on my phone and sleep for 5 more minutes, then I lay in bed for 5 more checking my email, Facebook, or texting my workout buddies in order to get myself awake. After the initial 10 minutes, I'm golden. Had a good work-out. Did the bike and elliptical. I study while I work out but for some reason recently I've been getting awful headaches and so all throughout my work-out I played optometrist and diagnosed myself with eye problems. My conclusion (any any real life optomotrists can help me out on this): I think that when I'm bouncing up and down on the elliptical or arc-trainer yet at the same time trying to get my eyes to focus in on the power point text, it confuses the muscles in my eyes, thus, my eyes have weakened and have a harder time focusing in on things resulting in headaches. I mean in all honesty, that sounds legit, right? Its like our muscles are pieces of gum and the more you stretch it or bounce it back and forth, the weaker they get. So, if my eyeballs fall out of my head due to my studying while working out, that 4.0 will be worth every second. It better be, at least!
The day with the kids was wonderful. I can't tell you how many times I just stop myself and realize how precious my moments with them are. Today, (actually most days) I especially cherished waking them up after nap. Today Manav was the only one that slept- but waking him up is one of the most precious, sweet, and peaceful times of our days. Today I hopped in bed with him and just whispered his name. His eyes popped open and he just layed there and smiled then asked to be in my "goty" (Hindi for arms I think?--I've become quite fluent in the little Hindi words that my kids speak). During nap, Anisha read to me. Yes, she just turned 4 and yes, shes reading. I know, shes brilliant. Before nap we went to the park with Cami, Arya, and Anjali then walked around the Jackson fair. It wasn't open yet, but it was cool just to walk around and see everything before the action began. It was seriously straight out of a movie and I can't help but wonder how many people fell in love there or have held hands and had butterflies in their stomachs as they were walking up and down ignoring the rest of the world. So, the rest of the afternoon was spent outside because it was BEAUTIFUL. We went on a nice long walk- which I love to do- seriously the best conversation with them happens when they are in their stroller, undistracted. Today Anisha told me that I was going to be the flower girl in her wedding when she turned 30. She also said that shes not going to get a cell phone until shes 40. Kids, take note.
After work I came home to let the dog out and just laid around and watched an episode of The Office. I took a killer exam last night and always try to not do homework or study the day after class but nope, after laying around I got all my assignments completed for the week (because I have a BUSY BUSY weekend and will have no time at all except for studying) then went to AA.
Why AA you ask? For classes a lot of the time our professors will require us to go to multiple groups such as AA or NA. Honestly, I was scared out of my mind to go. I thought of every excuse not to. But, I fought against that resistance and went because I had to and knew that I would find what grace and redemption looked like in such a new way. So, I walked in after having some pep-talks with Robyn, Andrew, Paige, and Heather, spotted the seat I wanted to sit in, and made a beeline straight to it. Sat down and met all the loads of people who were coming up to me and introducing themselves. Let me just tell you- I have always said that my friends on the streets have what the "church" should look like down- but so do the people in AA. This was their "church". The community, the honesty, the struggles, the accountability, the questions and brokeness, the laughter, the looking each other in the eye and saying "I know". They have it down. It really made me want a church like that. A church where I can walk in and not have it all together yet still be okay. That was their grace. And each one of them were grace for each other. Some of them go to 6 or 7 meetings a week just for their grace. They are each others strengths. It was such a beautiful hour. Secretly, I wish I could go back week after week and hear each of their stories and get to know them more. Needless to say, I'll have a hard time writing the paper for this assignment because I honestly can't find the right words that can do justice for what that did to my heart. I am so thankful for AA for each one of them. I am a firm believer.
After AA, I came back, sat on my front porch with my dog, watched the fireflies, and just processed which led me to now.
Well, hopefully I wont write this much everyday- I can't imagine myself looking back on these a year from now wanting to read a 5 paragraph theme!
See you all tomorrow!

“God refuses to be an object for attachment because God desires full love, not addiction. Love born of true freedom, love free from attachment, requires that we search for a deepening awareness of God, just as God freely reaches out to us. In addition, full love for God means we must turn to God over and against other things. If our choice of God is to be made with integrity, we must first have felt other attractions and chosen, painfully, not to make them our gods” -Gerald G. May, Addiction & Grace

freedom.

2010-04-04T08:50:00.001-04:00

sin has lost its power.

death has lost its sting.

living in the resurrection.

not just today, but everyday.

everyday.

2010-02-27T18:40:00.003-05:00

daily im reminded of how much i need grace.
daily im reminded that i cant do this alone.
daily im reminded that jesus loves me no matter how far i feel from recieving it.
daily im reminded that even when the going gets rough, He IS.
daily im reminded that no matter how many doubts or fears i may have, He is near.
daily im reminded that i am the beloveds and he is mine.
daily im reminded how much im not.
daily im reminded that there are things to be done- injustices to be justified.
daily im reminded that the world we live in is messed up yet still so beautiful.
daily im reminded of how much we can learn from eachother.
daily im reminded of how much we need to lean on eachother.
daily im reminded of His glory and how through it all, he proclaims "I AM".
daily im reminded that this has nothing to do with me.
daily im reminded of how if we just admit were not okay, we'll be okay.
daily im reminded that im loved.
daily im reminded that believing people and genuinely looking eachother in the eyes with the deepest empathy possible is healing.
daily im reminded that there are so many battles people are fighting that most of us know nothing about yet so often we write them off in our attitude of pride.
daily im reminded that deep inside is a person that has hurts, pains, fears, joys, sadness, memories just. like. me.
daily im reminded that its okay to not be okay.
daily im reminded that a good majority of time, society is messed up- but a good majority of time there is so much good going on too.
daily im reminded that good comes from bad and that though the sorrows may last for the night, the joy DOES come with the morning.
daily im reminded of joy. and of peace. and of love.
daily im reminded of You.
daily im reminded of grace.

every time you close a door

2010-01-12T06:36:00.001-05:00

Every time you close a door you commit yourself to go deeper into your heart and thus, deeper into the heart of God....It leads you to become what you already are-a child of God; it let's you embody more and more the truth of your being- it makes you claim the God within you.
-Henri Nouwen
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Keep Returning to the Road to Freedom

2010-01-06T21:07:00.002-05:00

When suddenly you seem to lose all you thought you had gained, do not despair. Your healing and progress is not a straight line. You must expect setbacks and regressions. Don't say to yourself, "All is lost. I have to start all over again." This is not true. What you have gained, you have gained.

Sometimes little things build you and make you lose ground for a moment. Fatique, a seemingly cold remark, someone's inability to hear you, someone's innocent forgetfulness, which feels like rejection--when all these come together, they make you feel as if you are right back where you started. But try to think about it instead as being pulled off the road for a while. When you return to the road, you return to the place where you left it, not to where you started.

It is important not to dwell on the small moments when you feel pulled away from your progress. Try to return home, to the solid place within you, immediately. Otherwise, these moments start connecting with similar moments, and together they become powerful enough to pull you far away from the road. Try to remain alert to seemingly innocuous distractions. It is easier to return to the road when you are on the shoulder than when you are pulled all the way into a nearby swamp.

In everything, keep trusting that Godis with you, that God has given you companions on the journey. Keep returning to the road to freedom.

-Henri Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love

2009-12-24T20:36:00.000-05:00

Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each.

-Henry David Thoreau
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

2009-11-11T23:20:00.001-05:00

Listening to that voice with great inner attentiveness, I hear at my center words that say: "I have called you by name, from the very beginning. You are mine and I am yours. You are my beloved, on you my favor rests. I have molded you in the depths of the earth and knitted you together in your mothers womb. I have carved you in the palms of my hands and hidden you in the shadows of my embrace. I look at you with infinite tenderness and care for you with a care more in time than that of a mother for her child. I have counted every hair on your head and guided you at every step. Wherever you go, I go with you, and wherever you rest, I keep watch. I will give you food that will satisfy all your hunger and drink that will satisfy all your thirst. I will not hide my face from you. You know me as if own as I know you as my own. You belong to me. I am your father, your mother, your brother, your sister, your lover, and your spouse...yes, even your child...wherever you are I will be. Nothing will ever separate us. We are one." Henri Nouwen, Life of The Beloved
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Give us this day, our daily bread.

2009-10-31T16:50:00.003-04:00

If you're writing a book about prayer, you should hang around the homeless for a while," said my wife, a veteran of inner-city ministry. "Street people pray as a necessity, not a luxury."

Her advice made sense, especially after I interviewed Mike Yankoski, a Westmont College student who, along with a friend, left school for five months to live on the street. (His book, Under the Overpass, tells the story.) Mike told me that homeless people, having hit bottom, don't waste time building up an image or trying to conform. And they pray without pretense, a refreshing contrast to what he found in some churches.

I asked for an example. "My friend and I were playing guitars and singing 'As the Deer Panteth for the Water' when David, a homeless man we knew, started weeping. 'That's what I want, man,' he said. 'I want that water. I'm an alcoholic, but I want to be healed.' As I spent more time with David, I realized that a connection with God is his only hope for healing. He simply doesn't have the inner strength. He relies on prayer as a lifeline."

Mike estimates that a quarter of the homeless people he knows have an active Christian faith. When I visited a coffee house for the homeless in Denver, I found no shortage of street people willing to talk about prayer. Bill, a wry, articulate man who attended a college prep school, told me of several answers to prayer while hitchhiking. Once, he said, "God sent a biker with the very tools I needed to repair the vehicle whose owner had offered me a ride. Think of the odds against that happening in Salina, Kansas!" As he talked, he packed and unpacked a hand-rolled cigarette.

Scott, a young man who could sell saltwater to a sailor, shook my hand firmly, looked me in the eye, and started witnessing to me. He had just moved off the streets into a halfway house and was trying to kick a cocaine habit. "I checked myself in after I got a $9,000 inheritance and blew it all on drugs in a couple weeks. Now I go to 12-step groups every day and attend church as well as two different Bible studies." Scott prays all day long. "It's the only thing that keeps me straight."

As I listened to the homeless relate their prayers, I was struck by the prayers' down-to-earth quality—indeed, their resemblance to the Lord's Prayer. "Give us this day our daily bread": They all had stories about running out of food, praying, and then finding a burrito or uneaten pizza. "Deliver us from evil": Living on mean streets, these believers pray that daily. "Forgive us our trespasses": Deep down in each lay buried secrets of shame and regret.

After 25 years of ministering to the homeless, John, a trained counselor, has a theory that many street people suffer from attachment disorders. In childhood, they never learned to bond with parents or other people, and never learned to bond with God, either. They find it difficult to commit, to open up to another, to trust. They see the world as an unsafe, alien place.

John noted the ripple effect of this disorder: "Sometimes the people I work with go crazy, literally insane, because they can't stand being alone with their dark thoughts and secrets. A friend of mine ran a street ministry similar to ours. He had secrets about failures and financial pressures that he never told anyone. One day, his wife walked in the front door and found her husband, my friend, swaying from a rope attached to the banister."

From my time with the homeless, I learned a new meaning to prayer: It can be a safe place to bare secrets. Those of us fortunate enough to have a spouse or a trustworthy friend can share our secrets. If not, at least we have God, who knows our secrets before we spill them. (The fact that we're still alive and loved shows that God has more tolerance for whatever those secrets represent than we may give God credit for.)

"If I'm right about the attachment disorders," John said, "the best ministry I can offer is a long-term relationship. I hope that over the years and decades street people learn to trust me as someone who can handle their secrets. I hope that trust will gradually spill over to God. I tell people who encounter the homeless that eye contact and a listening ear may be more important than food or money or Bible verses. They need to connect in some small way with another human being, someone who sees them as a person of worth."

A few days later, I came across this poem by Rainer Maria Rilke, written in the form of a prayer:

Make it so the poor are no longer
despised and thrown away.
Look at them standing about—
like wildflowers, which have nowhere else to grow.

-Philip Yancey, The Word on the Street, Christianity Today

the beauty of it means, you matter

2009-10-14T08:43:00.000-04:00

If I have a hope, its that god sat over the dark nothing and wrote you and me, specifically, into the story, and put us with the sunset and the rainstorm as though to say, Enjoy your place in my story. The beauty of it means you matter, and you can create within it even as I have created you. -Don Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

i can hear them playin

2009-10-10T14:02:00.001-04:00

i believe in love.

i believe in hope.

i believe in restoration.

i believe in redemption.

i believe in brokenness.

heres to a new year.

2009-09-22T19:18:00.003-04:00

as my 23rd year of life comes to an end, i am left to ponder the past 12 months.

a lot has happened this year- i had set expectations for what i wanted this year to look like however, most of them turned out differently than i would have expected.

this past year i have been challenged more than i have ever been.

i have been taken from a deep state of loneliness to a restoring state of joy.

i've gone from battling a seasonal depression to finding that my cup only overflows when i am filling myself with the truth that i claim.

ive learned what it is to live within a community of grace and love and am still challenged every day to put that into practice.

ive seen a place that was so foreign, lonely, and desolate turn into a place i now call home.

i have looked an 8 year old in the eyes and told him that "i'm going to miss my family during the holiday season" with him responding, "Laura, we are your family."

i have a new family.

ive learned that god provides no matter how much rejection slaps you in the face.

ive seen friendships strengthen as the distances go further and further.

i had the honor and privilege of watching my older sister fall in love and marry the man of her dreams.

though this year has turned out differently than I had originially expected, it has been the greatest year of growth, strength and character building, and even more so- figuring out who I am.

so for that, it has been the best year of my life in that sense.

this coming year i commit to bettering my mind, body, and spirit.

im challenging myself to be present in every moment.

im challenging myself to fight to be aware of what Love looks like.

im challenging myself to love deeper.

but who knows what this year will bring.

smash my expectations, Jesus.

i am the beloveds and he is mine

2009-09-04T13:19:00.001-04:00

One of my best friends posted this excerpt from "The Life of the Beloveds" by Henri Nouwen on her blog and it resonated very deep within me. I kept thinking of all the people in my life who don't realize just how precious they are and how much I would give to simply allow this to be truth that they claim. Yet, deeper within me, the longing for this to be truth that I claim within the deepest parts of my own heart cried out even more.

"Aren't you, like me, hoping that some person, thing, or event will come along to give you that final feeling of inner well-being you desire? Don't you often hope: 'May this book, idea, course, trip, job, country, or relationship fulfill my deepest desire.' But as long as you are waiting for that mysterious moment you will go on running helter-skelter, always anxious and restless, always lustful and angry, never fully satisfied. You know that this is the compulsiveness that keeps us going and busy, but at the same time makes us wonder whether we are getting anywhere in the long run. This is the way to spiritual exhaustion and burn-out. This is the way to spiritual death.Well, you and I don't have to kill ourselves. We are the Beloved. We are intimately loved long before our parents, teachers, spouses, children, and friends loved or wounded us. That's the truth of our lives. That's the truth I want you to claim for yourself. That's the truth spoken by the voice that says, 'You are my Beloved.'Listening to that voice with great inner attentiveness, I hear at my center words that say: 'I have called you by name, from the very beginning. You are mine and I am yours. You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests. I have molded you in the depths of the earth and knitted you together in your mother's womb. I have carved you in the palms of my hands and hidden you in the shadow of my embrace. I look at you with infinite tenderness and care for you with a care more intimate that that of a mother for her child. I have counted every hair on your head and guided you at every step. Wherever you go, I go with you, and wherever you rest, I keep watch. I will give you food that will satisfy all your hunger and drink that will quench all your thirst. I will not hide my face from you. You know me as your own as I know you as my own. You belong to me. I am your father, your mother, your brother, your sister, your lover, and your spouse... yes, even your child... wherever you are I will be. Nothing will ever separate us. We are one.'"

May we live as the beloved.
May we, even when we feel as if all sainity and control has been lost in the midst of "life", know that we are known as his own.
May we, even when that relationship fails us, or we don't make the grade or the standard we set for ourselves, kbow that nothing will ever seperate us
We are one.

shake it shake it shake it

2009-06-27T10:17:00.002-04:00

hello!
its been a long, long time, i know.
im sorry!!
life just comes at you fast!
whats been going on in my life?
a lot of hurting.
a lot of facing things that i need to face.
a lot of lamenting.
ive been doing a lot of studying in the book of lamentations.
about the lady who just wanted to be heard.
and how she spoke words to what the rest of the world was silencing.
we, as a culture, dont know how to deal with the pain and hurt that we are all carrying inside our hearts.
so we deny it, silence it, and walk forward.
wherever we hide that hurt, it always comes out one way or another.
so im choosing to put words to my pain.
to feel my pain.
to experience the fullness of the questions that come about when loosing someone to suicide.
as hard as it is and as much as i don't want to, i'm choosing to feel it all.
im not going to hide anymore.
i will be better because of it.
and one thing i know for sure- i have an amazing, amazing group of friends and family who daily show me what it talks about in exodus when moses would win a battle as long as he kept his arms raised ...then he grew tired and coundt stand up alone...so aaron came up along side of him and held his arms up for him when he couldnt do it alone.
daily people are holding my arms up for me.
how precious.
i was reading in Galatians the other day- the verse about carrying each others troubles really stuck out to me.
it goes both ways.
i need to allow people to carry my hurt with me.
i need to let people in to do this with me.
that's so hard for me.
i don't want to be a burden.
i need to let myself need help from other people.
there is so much power and healing in allowing someone to hurt with you.
i don't want you to read this and be like oh poor laura- because thats not it at all.
im am reclaiming my joy.
i know joy.
i know happiness.
my heart is steadfast.
my life is beautiful.
im just embracing what has been shut away for a while.
and somehow, thats good.
somehow, god looks at my brokeness and calls it beauty.
i will find that.

i am not alone.

slam it to the left

2009-05-11T21:18:00.003-04:00

its been a while.
where to even start- i dont even know.
what do i know for sure?
i know for sure that my life is a beautiful and perfect struggle.
and i am so thankful for that.
i know for sure that i have the most wonderful and lovely people in my life who speak truth into me on a daily basis.
i am so so lucky for that.
i am so so fortunate that i get to learn from such wise people.
i know for sure that there are a lot of people in my life that are hurting and struggling with issues my heart can not even come close to fathoming.
i wish more than anything that i could take their pain for them.
so im left feeling helpless.
i'm not a fan of that feeling.
i hate feeling like i cant do anything to help.
i know for sure that im learning what it is to love.
and not just to love, but to really love.
my homeless friends teach me that everyday in the way that they pour their love onto me.
doesn't even make sense, does it?
a person who has absolutely nothing but the shirt on their back and maybe enough money to buy some beer to numb the reality of their situation can give you so much more than the world could ever give you.
beautiful.
i know for sure that no matter what struggle i find myself in, that i serve a God who is a god of overcoming, peace, and love and that no matter what my battle, he continues to be my strength even when i dont deserve one bit of it.
and then theres grace...
i hope this finds you well.
you have touched and impacted my life.
thank you for that.

Live Your Wounds Through

2009-04-20T21:21:00.002-04:00

You have been wounded in many ways. The more you open yourself to being healed, the more you will discover how deep your wounds are. You will be tempted to become discouraged, because under every wound you uncover you will find others. Your search for true healing will be a suffering search. Many tears still need to be shed.
But do not be afraid. The simple fact that you are more aware of your wounds shows that you have sufficient strength to face them.
The greatest challenge is living your wounds through instead of thinking them through. It is better to cry than to worry, better to feel your wounds deeply than to understand them, better to let them enter into your silence than to talk about them. The choice you face constantly is whether you are taking your hurts to your head or to your heart. In your head you can analyze them, find their causes and consequences, and coin words to speak and write about them. But no final healing is likely to come from that source. You need to let your wounds go down into your heart. Then you can live them through and discover that they will not destroy you. Your heart is greater than your wounds.
Understanding your wounds can only be healing when understanding is put at the service of your heart. Going to your heart with your wounds is not easy; it demands letting go of many questions. You want to know "Why was I wounded? When? How? By whom?" You believe that the answers to these questions will bring relief. But at best they only offer you a little distance from your pain. You have to let go of the need to stay in control of your pain and trust in the healing power of your heart. There your hurts can find a safe place to be received, and once they have been received, they lose their power to inflict damage and become fruitful soil for new life.
Think of each wound as you would of a child who has been hurt by a friend. As long as that child is ranting and raving, trying to get back at the friend, one wound leads to another. But when the child can experience the consoling embrace of a parent, she or he can live through the pain, return to the friend, forgive, and build up a new relationship. Be gentle with yourself and let your heart be your loving parent as you live your wounds through.

-Henri J. M. Nouwen
The Inner Voice of Love

utterly unknowable

2009-03-09T22:01:00.003-04:00

"I have lived long enough to appreciate that Christianity is lived more in the valley than on the mountaintop, that faith is never doubt-free, and that although God has revealed Himself in creation and in history, the surest way to know God is, in the words of Thomas Aquinas, as tamquam ignotum, as utterly unknowable. No thought can contain Him, no word can express Him. He is beyond anything we can intellectualize or imagine." -Brennan Manning, Abba's Child

i will dare to hope.

2009-01-23T11:21:00.001-05:00

Yet I still dare to hope
when I remember this:

22 The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
His mercies never cease.
23 Great is his faithfulness;
his mercies begin afresh each morning.
24 I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
therefore, I will hope in him!”

25 The Lord is good to those who depend on him,
to those who search for him.
26 So it is good to wait quietly
for salvation from the Lord.
27 And it is good for people to submit at an early age
to the yoke of his discipline:

28 Let them sit alone in silence
beneath the Lord’s demands.
29 Let them lie face down in the dust,
for there may be hope at last.
30 Let them turn the other cheek to those who strike them
and accept the insults of their enemies.

31 For no one is abandoned
by the Lord forever.
32 Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion
because of the greatness of his unfailing love.
33 For he does not enjoy hurting people
or causing them sorrow.

Lamentations 3:20-33

he has overcome.

2008-12-18T01:55:00.001-05:00

I have told you this so that through me you may have peace. In the world you will have trouble, but be courageous-
I have overcome the world!

John 16:33

His law is love.

2008-12-10T11:31:00.002-05:00

O holy night, the stars are brightly shining;
It is the night of the dear Savior’s birth!
Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope, the weary soul rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is love and His Gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His Name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us praise His holy Name!

amen.

honesty...

2008-12-07T11:20:00.002-05:00

i'm on a mission.
a mission to prove myself wrong.
i think we all have things that we are skeptical about.
some, we arent even aware of.
others, sneak around and rule our reality.
not that i'm trying to justify my skepticism.
i'm just sayin.
in the past few years i've become really skeptical of the "church".
i don't know if its because i've been so hurt by the church that i grew up in- where my heart was so vulnerable then torn into pieces?
or because i've been so changed by my homeless friends who have taught me what "church" really looks like.
maybe its because we can look into the "church" and find everyone all composed then look into our homes and find them an absolute mess?
its honest to goodness a struggle for me- which is crazy to even think that little miss "i grew up and faced the world hand in hand with the community of my church" is now hurt and afraid.
i have a good idea of where my skepticism stems from but i am bound and determined to prove myself wrong.
i will find my belonging.
i will be the church within the messed up church.
i'm not saying that i want to just quit "church".
not by any means.
i'm saying that this spurs me on to want to restore what Satan is tearing apart.
i'll say this time and time again- my homeless friends really know what "church" is about.
waking up every morning at 9AM- drunk, addicted, homeless, and betrayed- yet still praying "God, thank you for waking me up this morning" or "God, I'm drunk but thank you for loving me" or "Jesus, I don't know how to live anymore"- now that's broken honesty.
the way they take care of eachother- literally giving the shirt off their backs so their brother wouldnt have to freeze throughout the night- now thats being the body.
or take my friend Bob, for example- he found a quarter on the street and saved it all week because he "wanted me to have it".
Bob- a homeless man- with no money- no family- not even a social security card to get himself a job- giving me everything he's got.
i tell you what "church", we need to get it together.
it hurts my heart to know that our homeless friends "wouldnt be accepted in your church because of the way they are dressed".
if i'm honest, maybe i need to continue restoring my own heart- because doesn't the church start and stem from within?
i refuse to be a victim of "church".
i will find it.
and i will try to be it.

the heart of my closest friends.

2008-12-05T22:40:00.002-05:00

If you're writing a book about prayer, you should hang around the homeless for a while," said my wife, a veteran of inner-city ministry. "Street people pray as a necessity, not a luxury."

A few days later, I came across this poem by Rainer Maria Rilke, written in the form of a prayer:

Make it so the poor are no longer
despised and thrown away.
Look at them standing about—
like wildflowers, which have nowhere else to grow.

-Philip Yancey, The Word on the Street, Christianity Today

2008-12-04T14:54:00.001-05:00

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering that Your love put You through
And I walk through the darkness If You want me to
cause When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
Gonna look into your eyes and see you never let me down
So take me on the pathway that leads me home to you
And I will walk through the valley if you want me to
Yes, I will walk through the valley if you want me to

2008-12-03T00:08:00.001-05:00

"Imagine, a Being with a mind as great as God's, with feet like trees and a voice like rushing wind, telling you that you are His cherished creation. It's kind of exciting if you think about it. Earthly love....is temporal and slight so that it has to be given again and again in order for us to feel any sense of security; but God's love, God's voice and presence, would instill our souls with such affirmation we would need nothing more and would cause us to love other people so much we would be willing to die for them." -Don Miller

van saves lives

2008-11-30T01:24:00.003-05:00

well, since it feels like its been a long time since i've posted and i've made a promise to steve to update more frequently, i might as well give it a shot.
what have i been learning lately?
if only i knew how to fully put it into words. ;)
ive been learning that i need people.
that there are a lot of people out there that need people.
and that there are a lot of people out there that need to be fed- physically, spiritually, emotionally, and relationally.
in fact, i think there are more people out there that need to be fed than there arent.
and i want to be apart of that.
i want to be apart of feeding the hungry.
not just my homeless friends- but the people in my life right now.
the people i come in contact with on an everyday basis.
i want to be apart of it all.
i've been learning that i love tradition.
there is just something so comforting and warm about it.
ive been learning, yet again, that i know the greatest people in the world and that no matter what comes my way, i know that i am surrounded.
what else?
ive been learning that with love, comes risks.
big risks.
compromising risks.
and i want to be a person that takes those risks and doesnt hold anything back.
ive been learning more about the beauty of people- of how different we are, yet, at the core, the same.
and yet, how diverse God made each of our hearts is just a picture of how great His heart is.
i want to embrace that.
i've been learning, yet again, that He is all that i need.
and that his grace is sufficient.
and that no matter what is on my plate, that Yahweh deeply desires me-my heart.
my heart with ugly places in it.
my overly-sensitive heart.
He calls beautiful?
He looks at my sensitive heart and claims it?
really?
even when i have a hard time claiming it, He proudly does?
how that even is possible, i don't even know.
but i'll take it.

i hope that this finds you well.
i hope that you are learning, struggling, fighting, and believing.

llc

beloved.

2008-11-05T12:13:00.002-05:00

"God created us for union with Himself: This is the original purpose of our lives. And God is defined as love (1 John 4:16). Living in awareness of our belovedness is the axis around which the Christian life revolves. Being the beloved is our identity, the core of our existence. It is not merely a lofty thought, an inspiring idea, or one name among many. It is the name by which God knows us and the way He relates to us...The indispensable condition for developing and maintaining the awareness of our belovedness is time alone with God. In solitude we tune out the nay-saying whispers of our worthlessness and sink down into the mystery of our true self. Our longing to know who we really are- will never be satisfied until we confront our solitude. There we discover that the truth of our belovedness is really true. Our identity rests in God's relentless tendereness for us revealed in Jesus." -Brennan Manning

"Do not be afraid, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name, you are mine. You are precious in my eyes, because you are honored and I love you...the mountains may depart, the hills may be shaken, but my love for you will never leave you, and my covenant of peace with you will never be shaken." (Isaiah 43:1, 4, 54:10)

in all and through all

2008-10-29T00:19:00.002-04:00

i'm learning.
learning a lot of things, actually.
learning that i can't do without love.
learning that i depend on people more than i should.
learning that im addicted and become more addicted to grace each day.
learning that i screw up more than not.
learning that i don't have a lot of the answers that i have questions to.
learning about who i am.
learning about who i want to be.
learning about who i'm becoming
learning about how i don't want to be
learning about how god created my mind.
learning about how he created my heart, as well.
learning about people.
i love watching and studying people.
and making parts of them apart of me.
im struggling.
sometimes with loneliness.
other times with being so caught up with people that i forget about the richness of solitude.
with faith.
with being blessed even in the hardest of hards.
with trust.
but i know that where im at in this season is exactly where im supposed to be.
and i will run to find out why until i find it.
and ill rest in my Abba's arms as he whispers to me of his sweet love that i can't even grasp.
and through that, i'll be blessed.

2008-10-18T20:52:00.002-04:00

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the old heaven and the old earth had disappeared. And the sea was also gone. And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven like a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.” And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.” And he also said, “It is finished! I am the Alpha and the Omega—the Beginning and the End. To all who are thirsty I will give freely from the springs of the water of life. All who are victorious will inherit all these blessings, and I will be their God, and they will be my children." Revelations 21:1-7

There will be a day...

you are my extra push

2008-10-09T15:08:00.003-04:00

well.
here i am.
in canton, ohio.
making it on my own.
at first it was a struggle.
a really lonely struggle.
but each day i feel my heart getting that much stronger.
this is such a new opportunity.
an opportunity to show the world who i am.
who i've become in the past 23 years.

a chance to discover even more who i am, and who God is in this moment.
"My own journey has taught me that only when I feel safe with God do I feel safe with myself. To trust the Abba who RAN to His wayward son and never asked any questions enables us to trust ourselves at the core." -Brennan Manning

a chance to be myself, freely.

"To open yourself to another person, to stop lying about your loneliness, to stop lying about your hurts and fears, to be open about your affection, and to tell others how much they mean to you- this is the triumph of the child over the pharisee and the dynamic presence of the Holy Spirit at work." -Brennan Manning

its beautiful.
this moment im in.
its irreplaceable.
and to know that i have the best people in the world back home waiting for and believing in me
that, in itself, is enough to keep fighting through.
because i know when i fall, not only am i falling into the arms of my Jesus, but im falling on this foundation of radical support.
i say this all the time, but i really am the luckiest person in the world.
to have friends who are so tuned into the spirit that will receive truth for me even when i feel as though i dont even have enough energy to press on- thats being blessed.
to have my homeless friends who can't even conjure up enough inside themselves to believe in who they are but have enough in them to believe in me- thats my extra push.
to have a family that i get to live with who are daily teaching me about love in so many different aspects- thats beautiful.

so here i am
i may get lonely,
but im not getting lonely alone.
because i am surrounded.
surrounded by love.

Though a mighty army surrounds me, I will know no fear. Even if they attack me, I remain confident. -Psalm 27:3

new beginings.

2008-08-29T22:14:00.002-04:00

well
in two weeks, my life as i know it will change.
a good change.
an exciting change.
a really scary change.
yet, a change that is so provided.
who was i to ever doubt that God wouldn't show me the way?
how crazy is it that literally ten minutes after i prayed with ashley and my mentor, i get a call from a family in canton asking me to live in community with them.
"its not a your shelf my shelf thing. its our shelf".
how great is that?
i get to do life and learn from four amazing people.
i am so lucky.
and i love my class.
i love what im learning
i love studying
i love taking notes.
this is where im supposed to be.
there is no other comfort than knowing that you are doing exactly what God planned for you to be doing.
ive been learning even more what it is to love people.
people of all different types- addicts, rejects, posers, and people who don't even feel worthy of love.
ive been learning what it is to trust myself.
im learning more about how God created me to be- and to not allow fear to conquer that.
i really feel like going up to Canton is going to allow me to face things in such a raw way.
im going to have to look things straight in the face and deal with them.
im going to grow and heal in such a new kind of way.
its going to be such a challenging, yet rewarding time.

i will stumble but i will get up.

2008-08-03T23:02:00.002-04:00

its been years! : )
well, where am i?
good question.
sometimes i dont even know.
what i do know is that im packing up and moving to canton, ohio in two months.
im starting my grad program in three weeks.
im not moving there til october because i need time to wrap things up here.
i need to prepare my heart to leave everything that im invest in.
i think the thing thats going to tear me up the most are my friends downtown.
i couldn't even tell jim.
i couldnt find the words.
but i know that ill have people in canton to love too- so im just going to try to remember that.
for now?
what else do i know for certain?
god's been providing.
he always does.
even when im so stubborn and try to shove into a corner what he's tell me to do, he always gets my attention somehow.
im on a mission to find peace prevailing on earth.
there has to be peace somewhere.
i believe it.
i know the most amazing and encouraging people in the world.
leaving them is going to be really tough.
i stumbled a lot.
screwed up last night.
i knew what i was doing the whole time.
i just gave way to it.
but then theres grace.
and i learned.
satan knows my buttons- thats for sure.
but im going to tell him who my god is.
what else?
i am surrounded by a group of brothers who really know what it is to respect and encourage me.
im the luckiest girl in the world.
i dont know how im going to leave this.
if im being honest, i don't necessarily want to go to canton.
if i had it my way i would commute one night a week.
but
for some reason God's calling me there.
which is exciting- to go to a place where no one knows my name.
to re-invent myself.
to show the world who i am.
thats huge.
i have the best job in the world even though some days it doesnt feel that way.
im starting a "grieving a suicide" support group on wednesday.
you know, i'd say that im doing well in my healing process- but at the same time somedays i feel like im back to day one.
so i think being in an environment where people understand my "creeping up" moments will bring a lot more healing.
two years seems like such a long time, yet it still seems just like yesterday.
my sister and i are becoming friends.
we have been for a while now- but its to the point where i enjoy spending time with her.
i have an amazing family, thats for sure.
my cousin's rock.
my friends downtown have been teaching me a lot lately.
i can't pen-point it word for word- but give me some time and ill digest it some more.
well, i need to get to bed.
im a young professional and wake up at 6:50 every morning.
i hope things are well in your heart as you read this.
thank you for influencing my life.
llc

2008-05-27T10:37:00.003-04:00

where to even start
i dont even know
lets see
i graduated from college
i have a college degree
its all over
its crazy, scary, intimidating, exciting, perfect, wonderful, and so much more all in one.
everyone asks me how it feels
and i dont know how to sum it up exactly.
i know that i spent probably four of the best years of my life at a place where i was truely changed.
for the good and for the bad.
ashley and heather have me in detox mode
its crazy how your thinking really does change when youre caught up in a little community like that
its time for me to show the world who i am because of my four years at mount vernon
relationships change.
you cant make someone care about you.
and im okay with that
because in that change, God provides and opens new doors.
and for that, im grateful.
thats where i choose to find my peace.
however much it may hurt, i want to choose to look back and be thankful for what was.
in other news, i know the greatest people in the world.
you'd think that after graduation you wouldnt be seeing much of your friends from school.
well ive been really lucky to know the people i do.
i think ive seen more of my friends from school than i have my own family lately! : )
its been wonderful.
what else
what am i learning about?
im learning about how im smarter than i act sometimes.
and how i want to show the world me, and not someone else.
im learning what it is to depend solely around the grace that God gives, and not man.
im learning that even when i think my life has fallen to pieces, that there is someone else so much worse off and its selfish of me to sit and feel sorry for myself.
im learning what it even looks like to be loved by my Jesus- and how i think ive been learning that my whole life yet never still can put words to it.
im learning what it is to just listen and not feel like we need to have the words to solve.
im learning that there is no other man in the world that i would rather be following than Jesus.
im learning that you can only run for so long.
im learning about hope.
hope in every moment.
hope for tomorrow.
we choose almost every moment in life.
how were going to respond.
how were going to feel.
most things are choices.
even if i dont feel like i like some of the changes going on in my life, i am going to choose to believe that its worked out for good.
because it is
and when i choose to believe that, things fall into line.
i dont know if ive ever loved any one deeper than i do my friends downtown.
i hate sitting here in my house and wanting to just be around them.
they bring me my hope.
they bring me my joy.
ive learned more from them than i have from anyone, ever.
do you find it crazy that a homeless man is more content with his life than your next door neighbor?
to see those smiles on their faces is something i live for.
to hear their hurt, is the greatest honor i will ever have.
im lucky.
God provides.
in every moment.
llc

for the glory

2008-04-25T05:18:00.002-04:00

where do i even start?
i feel like i start every entry like that.
im going to write from my heart.
as if im not writing to an audience.
ill try, atleast.two years.
its been two years.
two hard years.
two beautiful years.
two long years
yet two fast years.
i decided that i was finally ready to go out to camp cotubic and see where james died.
i had been there a couple times before- both with church and FCA, so i had these ingrained pictures in my head of what i thought the spot would have looked like.
i was ready to clear those out.
i dont know how to even put into words how it felt.
i know that i wasnt going on my strength by any means because i am not that strong- especially when it comes to this.
it was a hard daybut somehow, it was a good day.
and i dont mean good by "oh thats good" but i mean good in the fullness and richness of what good looks like.
im hesitent to say that a lot of healing took place, even though i really feel as though it did- because im working through what healing even looks like in this situation and if ill ever find complete healing
but something good happened that daya new chapter in my healing process maybe?
there is no one in the world i would have rather gone with than anthony.
he gets my pain.
he hurts with me.
he cares about me.
he wouldnt have left me alone on that day.
he was and still is a constant source of strength and encouragement and i dont know if ill ever be able to thank him enough.
i hope that my actions can prove that back to him.
he was absolutly wonderful.
i can't believe how lucky i am.
it was good to be able to talk with the camp director and just get his opinion on things.
all in all, it was a good hard day.
if that even makes sense.
i guess its just weird that he's gone.
i dont know if it will ever not be weird.
or if it will ever be a cold hard reality.
but somehow, im okay on this journey.
i am being refined.
good has come from this.
a lot of good.
and for that, i am blessed.
well i guess ill keep this at this for the time being.
i hope this finds all of you well.

2008-03-04T02:04:00.003-05:00

who are we that we think we have the power within us to judge anothers heart?

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland” Isaiah 43:18-19

how dare we doubt the power of transformation and restoration that God alone holds.

“Behold, I make all things new!”
Revelation 21:5

i serve a God who forgives and makes me white as snow, pure, and clean.

2008-02-25T22:01:00.001-05:00

love them anyways.

2008-02-16T02:00:00.000-05:00

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12:15

2008-02-15T02:13:00.002-05:00

sometimes this whole "christianity" thing grosses me out.
and i can see how people who don't do the "christianity" thing could be grossed out and turned off as well.
i don't want to be a part of it.
can we please just follow jesus?

2008-02-12T01:04:00.000-05:00

there is purpose in our pain.
im convinced.

2008-02-11T01:30:00.000-05:00

Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms
I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord
Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed
-Leeland

thanks KY

2008-02-06T23:31:00.001-05:00

"If we are to take seriously the opening sermon of Jesus at Nazareth recorded in Luke 4, his 'mission statement' in which he proclaims that 'the Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to bring good news to the poor,' there can only be one conclusion: no matter what else the gospel does in our lives, if our gospel message is not 'good news to the poor,' it is simply not the gospel of Jesus Christ."Jim Wallis, The Great Awakening

2008-02-06T00:17:00.000-05:00

my heart is fragile right now.
i dont know why now of any other day.
maybe i want to live with a fragile sensitive heart.
i almost feel like life is more valuable and rich when we live with fragile, vulnerable, sensitive hearts.

2008-02-05T02:46:00.000-05:00

I live in the wonder of Your love
You rise like the sun in my heart
Even when the night draws near to me
There You are
I will wade in the water of mercy
I will walk in the light of Your will
Whatever should come against me
Teach me to be still
As you
Sing over me
Draw me close to rest in Your peace
Sing over me
Oh, sing
Sing of Your unending faithfulness
That knows no doubt or fear
In the face of all that I don't know yet
Remind me of who You are
You are mighty
You will save
Rejoice over me with singing
You will quiet
By Your love
Glory over me with singing

its new every morning

2008-02-04T01:40:00.001-05:00

ten things i was reminded of this weekend
1. vulnerability and pushing yourself to that point of admitting something hidden by shame to someone else brings so much freedom. im not as alone as i once thought.
2. laughter heals the heart
3. we all have areas we arent proud of.- i wonder what the church would look like if we were more honest and upfront about that.
4. i dont know where im going but i know that every moment i am being prepared for it, and so for that i'm thankful and hope that my heart will be in a constant state of moldibility (word check please)
5. i mess up, but even then grace abounds more and more.
6. i'm very thankful for the people in my life and for every lesson that i've learned from them along the way
7. i wish girls would be more respectful of our brothers
8. loving goes beyond the words
9. my dad is still my best friend
10. we are in a fight- far bigger than we can handle on our own. its easy to be defeated, and so hard to fight. but its worth it, every time. thats something i need to remind myself of.

2008-01-31T01:18:00.000-05:00

"See, I have written your name on my hand." Isaiah 49:16

Resting in the embrace of my Abba.

i refuse to believe anything less.

2008-01-30T00:05:00.000-05:00

shouldnt our intent be to find the good in everyone and not let down until we find that?
thoughts?

cause satan is vanquished, and jesus is king.

2008-01-29T03:13:00.000-05:00

O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other day?
How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?
Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
Restore the light to my eyes, or I will die.
Don't let my enemies gloat, saying, "We have defeated him!"
Don't let them rejoice at my downfall.
But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
I will sing to the Lord because he has been so good to me.
Psalm 13

i'm tired.
i'm weak.
and i'm vulnerable.
but i will trust.
i will rejoice.
and i will sing.

we love, to know we're not alone.

2008-01-26T01:58:00.001-05:00

so here i am
i havent updated in what seems like months
ive been finding it hard to put words to the way i feel/think
im learning how to connect my head with my heart
kind of trying to be more realistic and logical if you will?
i've been learning a lot about who i am and why i was made the way i was made
not phyiscally, but my heart and my mind.
and what i feel strongly about
and how i'm a differant person today than i was yesterday.
and how sometimes i like that change, yet at the same time feel like the moments are going so fast that i can never be at a point where i can pinpoint exactly who i am and the change that is happening in me because its at a constant state of differantness.
i'm learning to appreciate and value the differantness (is that even a word) about me that happens in each moment.
we have the choice to be molded with each second, but its a matter of allowing it to happen that is the defining factor in our moldability.
recently i've been learning even more about Jesus' heart and the compassion he felt for people.
when i think my heart breaks for those who are hurting, i cant even begin to try to feel the way his broke.
i had another one of those moments today while i was looking over pictures from 2006 where i was so thankful for going through and still going through loosing james.
going through that- being ripped open and exposed to all that pain has made my heart feel that much deeper for those who go through hurt and make me so compelled to love them through the pain
thats one of the most fulfilling things in my life- loving people through their pain.
being able to travel through on the journey with people is what i know i was made for.
and i like that about me.
in the movie Shadowlands- a depiction of a season of C.S. Lewis's life, his wife, Joy, battling cancer tries explaining suffering to Jack.
she says, "The pain then, is part of the happiness now. Thats just the deal."
i think it is just as true in saying that the pain now is just about the happiness later. its a hand in hand deal.
the joy does come after the sorrow.
the pain one day will be no longer.
when we're caught in worshiping our Jesus- the pain will be gone.
its just the deal.
"i believe in the sun when its not shining
i believe in love even when i dont feel it
i believe in god even wehn he feels silent."

in it all and through it all, he is an overcoming Savior and i am learning that more and more each day in allowing my heart to be shaped in molded the way his is.

------
"But I trust in your UNFAILING love. I will rejoice because you HAVE resuced me. I will sing to the Lord because he's been so good to me." Psalm 13:5-6

2007-11-22T00:46:00.000-05:00

so i looked at my past entries and realize that they havent been too uplifting by any means.
i promise you im not that girl thats depressed and down all the time.
i know what joy is and i know how blessed i truely am- through every season and circumstance.
my life is beautiful- even when its trying and pressing on every side.
the beauty is in the moments where ive hit rock bottom and dont even have the energy to pick myself up again.
the beauty is the God that is sustaining me who is the one that is giving me the strength to even just exist through those hard times.
i was downtown with my friends tonight and asked a few of them what they were thankful for.
i almost felt so cliche to ask them around thanksgiving- thanksgiving is a time to give thanks but every day should be a new thanksgiving.
anyways, every single person i asked said "that I'm alive"
and i got to thinking
even in my worst, darkest, trying hour, when was the last time that i thanked God that I was alive?
and then i felt incredibly selfish.
honestly i hated going down there tonight knowing that tomorrow ill be having more than enough to eat ,with my loving family, in my huge heated house and they will still be freezing, on the back alleys of columbus, lonely with no family to care or love them, and starving.
remind me where the dignity is in someone spending thanksgiving alone.
show me the dignity in my friend timmy who came up to me tonight with tears streaming down his face saying that he is so thankful that his family is safe, healthy, loved, and doing well and goes on to tell me how much he loves them even though they refuse to come and get him for thanksgiving dinner? or to take him in and get him help for his alcoholism?
i think we forget to notice and give value to the every single moment miracles that are happening all around us
when we pray, and God answers- regardless how big or small that may be- thats a miracle in itself.
God is still moving
He is alive NOW.
and he hears us.
thats something i still cant wrap my mind around.
thank goodness i cant.
i mess up
i mess up constantly
but i serve this everlasting God
who will never fail me
who will never not take me back
who will never cease to lavish his love on me.
it doesnt make sense to me.
me? love ME? what?
but somehow i have to let that love in.
he is ernestly chasing after my heart
and wont give up or let down.
thats the god i serve.
what are you thankful for today?
ive thought a lot about what i'm thankful for.
and honestly i cant just limit it to one specific thing.
im thankful for the way my life has been turned upside down since getting to know my friends downtown.
im thankful for being broken beyond comprehension
im thankful for my family who shows me the characteristics of Jesus time after time
im thankful for this God who loves me even when i want to quit
im thankful for grace.
im thankful for the hard times that still continue to refine and shape me
im thankful for people in my life who challenge me constantly
im thankful for love
im thankful for the ability to even be thankful
the list could go on and on
what would our lives look like if we were to live in a constant thankful state?
i want to be more aware of that.

wanting to love, not wanting to be loved, wanting to be loved

2007-11-17T13:13:00.000-05:00

i dont know where to start
maybe i do but maybe that place is a scary place to start at
i know i havent updated this thing in a while
im sorry.
i just try to make sense of my life, yet come up so short with justifying words.
im sitting here in my room, alone.
i know im not alone
i know i have amazing people in my life
i just feel so alone
im 22 years old and live on a campus where everyone hooks up with everyone
and if youre not hooked up with someone, then youre left alone
feeling like theres something wrong with you
feeling like a picked over orphan with no one to be loved by.
but thats not truth
the truth that im going to chose to hold on to regardless of how i feel is that i am so deeply loved my by my daddy who knows the plans he has for me
i think the more you are vulnerable with people, the lonelier it sometimes gets
does that even make sense?
im lonely today.
tomorrow it will change.
lonliness probes two options- sit around in it or take this time and make every moment a moment of soaking up the stillness and oneness of God.
ill choose the latter.
and ill still hold onto truth
and allow this time of lonliness to shape me to realize that i'm not alone and that my daddy loves me more than anyone can love me.
i dont even know that its all about the "relationship" lonliness.
im lonely for being loved.
i have this great ability to not allow peoples love to affect me
my deepest desire is to love people
but somehow, in the past few years, ive put up this wall against love directed towards me.
i know i'm loved, i do.
i just dont allow it to touch my heart anymore.
and that scares me?
i allow myself to be loved by God- and accept that and make it the fullest motivating factor in my everyday
but to be loved by people, even when you are, and letting it shape your heart is hard for me?then you get into the question, "well if you arent allowing people's love to touch you deep within then how can you be allowing God's love to absorb you when one of God's greatest gifts to us is the ability to be loved by people".
and that, i dont know the answer.
vulnerability maybe?
i dont know.
you can say "well laura, just keep praying for your heart"but that prayers scary in itself
i know that the minute i do start praying that prayer, it will happenand that scares me.
ew, whats my problem?
i hate to make excuses-i really do
and i dont want to be a victim of my circumstances
but i almost feel that a lot of my fear of being loved is due to my loss of james
he loved me
he really loved me
and he made me know that he loved me everyday.
but he killed himself.
am i afraid that if i let peoples love in that they will do that and i'll go through that pain again?not really.
i think more than that i'm afraid to experiance that intimacy again because the only people who i've allowed to that level was him and a few others
and i dont have it anymore
and i want it
his love was so genuine towards me
and i accepted it for everything it was
is my view of love now distorted out of fear that someone who could love me so much could not love me enough and do that to themselves?
no because i know his suffering ran deeper than that
am i afraid to trust other peoples love?
somehow, yes.
and here i am, not even makeing sense to myself yet crying out to be loved.
deeper than my fear of being loved is my cry to be loved.
somehow, through all of this, i want to be loved.
yet i know i'm loved but dont allow it to sink in?
maybe i hold onto peoples love so much that when i'm not being loved, i experiance that lonliness
i'm so confusing, i know.
i'm such a mess
i dont even understand myself sometimes.
so here i am, being vulnerable with you.
yet deep within my heart is this longing for stillness.
that longing to envision myself resting at my Jesus' feet.
that longing to just be with Jesus because he loves me as i am- not as i want to be.
that longing to be with the one that understands my heart, fears, desires, longings more than i do myself.
a girl, loved, yet desiring to be loved, but wanting to love more than being loved.
what a mess.

silence, healing, and peace.

2007-11-10T23:42:00.000-05:00

isaiah 53 hits me deeper everytime.
"yet it was our weaknesses he carried; it was our sorrows that weighted him down. and we thought his troubles were a punishment from God for his own sins! but he was wounded and crushed for our sins. he was beaten that we may have peace. he was whipped and we were healed....he was oppressed and treated harshly, yet he never said a word. he was led as a lamb to the slaughter. and as a sheep is siletn before the shareres, he did not open his mouth....but who amont the people realized that he was dying for their sins-that he was suffering for their punishment? he had done no wrong, and he never decieved anyone."
have you ever yearned for so much more and more of jesus so much that it hurt deep within your soul?
what word can even discribe that hurt?
in my brokenness theres one thing for sure; i crave him even more so.
he never said a word.
he never opened his mouth.
so that we can have peace.
so that we can be healed.

2007-11-07T12:29:00.000-05:00

At the end of life we will not be judged by how many diplomas we have received, how much money we have made, how many great things we have done. We will be judged by 'I was hungry and you gave me to eat, I was naked and you clothed me, I was homeless and you took me in.' Hungry not only for bread - but hungry for love. Naked not only for clothing - but naked for human dignity and respect. Homeless not only for want of a room of bricks - but homeless because of rejection.- Mother Teresa

questions, helplessness, sovereignty.

2007-10-26T07:58:00.000-04:00

shouldnt all the questions lead you closer to God
why do i feel so far away
i hate not having answers
and i know its all a mental thing
and i know that God hasnt moved
he's still on his throne reigning supreme
and feelings are deceptive
because as good as it is to "feel" god, really its the committment that He's desiring of me.
i just feel like my heart has been so shaken up in the past few weeks
and standing answerless makes me feel helpless
but i always have to remind myself that its in the answerless, weakness, and helplessness that the beauty resounds.
thats when grace takes over
"my grace is sufficient for you, for my power, is made PERFECT in weakness" (2 Corin 12:9)
and thats been my daily grace
not knowing
yet knowing that he is King of the world
and he, even though feels so far away, is closer than ever.
and thats my truth
and thats what ill hold onto until this passes.
we, especially i, get so caught up in feeling feeling feeling
and i tell people this time and time again; its not always about the feelings- satan really uses them
but now i have to hold onto what i offter others and believe what i say
and i need to take a deep breath and be still and rest in the silence of his soverignty.
because he's never left.
he still is "I am"
getting to that place of absolute silence is difficult
my mind runs in so many differant places
yet i long for it.
i long for whats found in that silence.
i long for my desperation back.
im desperate for my desperation?
but he leaves us His peace.
and i choose to hold onto it.
because he's overcome the world.
and He is and I'm not.

truth, hope, and joy

2007-10-18T22:52:00.001-04:00

where to start
i dont even know
ive been meaning to write for quite some time
yet, i never seem to find the adequate words.
words dont do my heart justice anymore.
so where am i
i guess ive been on this never ending quest for truth
what is truth in this moment
what is my truth?
do we all share the same truth?
is my truth differant than your truth?
is it okay to have differant truth?
does it make it truth if its differant than your truth?
what does truth look like
how do you know when you know if something is "truth" or not
"i am the way the truth and the life"
what does that truth look like?
what does that truth REALLY look like?
truth gets distorted all too often.
and i dont want to get caught up in it.
what is truth right now- in this moment?
what else?
ive been going back and forth with "hope" too
how much hope are you supposed to hold onto when reality is fighting against you?
yes, with God all things are possible (almost cliche, i know) but when someones life is on the line and the reality is that its not looking good, do you still cling to hope for a turn around?
how can you hold onto hope without being dropped when things dont turn out the way you would "hope" for?
how much hope added with reality is still believing that God can still do all things?
ive been spending a lot of time at the hospital with my kim
i sit there in the room, as im holding her hands, and feel so helpless.
everything in me wants to rip out all of the machines hooked up to her, wake her up, and tell her its time to go home.
life is precious.
each breath that ventilator pushes in and out of kim is precious.
i look at the pain in her mom's eyes as shes talking to her baby girl three inches away from her face and im honestly at a loss for words it hurts that much.
i dont know if id be able to do it.
one of the most powerful moments of my life was when tim and i sat in kim's room with her parents, grandparents, cousins, and aunt and sang and prayed.
what was most powerful however, was when she squeezed my hand so tightly.
i know she was worshiping in her heart and soul
she may not have been alert enough to sing for herself, but in her heart, i knew that she was worshiping.
it was so much more than powerful
so much more than beautiful.
like i said, there arent words anymore to do justice.
to be quite honest this past week or so i've been struggling with being able to pray "not my will but yours"
in my heart, thats what i desire
but to be able to say it for myself, it was hard
because everything in me wants kim to walk out of there the same girl she was 2 weeks ago
thats what i want.
but when we come back down to reality, i just dont know.
seeing someone who youve known and have been so close to through the years laying in a hospital bed, hooked up to machines that are literally keeping her alive, i dont know- that just does something to you.
i hate feeling so helpless.
but in our weakness, he is strength.
and thats what i'll hold onto.
thy will be done.
joy's holding me here.
joy's sustaining me.
and truth will be my rock.

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. "You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. "You're blessed when you're content with just who you are--no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought. " Matthew 5:3-5

im blessed.