honesty...

i'm on a mission.
a mission to prove myself wrong.
i think we all have things that we are skeptical about.
some, we arent even aware of.
others, sneak around and rule our reality.
not that i'm trying to justify my skepticism.
i'm just sayin.
in the past few years i've become really skeptical of the "church".
i don't know if its because i've been so hurt by the church that i grew up in- where my heart was so vulnerable then torn into pieces?
or because i've been so changed by my homeless friends who have taught me what "church" really looks like.
maybe its because we can look into the "church" and find everyone all composed then look into our homes and find them an absolute mess?
its honest to goodness a struggle for me- which is crazy to even think that little miss "i grew up and faced the world hand in hand with the community of my church" is now hurt and afraid.
i have a good idea of where my skepticism stems from but i am bound and determined to prove myself wrong.
i will find my belonging.
i will be the church within the messed up church.
i'm not saying that i want to just quit "church".
not by any means.
i'm saying that this spurs me on to want to restore what Satan is tearing apart.
i'll say this time and time again- my homeless friends really know what "church" is about.
waking up every morning at 9AM- drunk, addicted, homeless, and betrayed- yet still praying "God, thank you for waking me up this morning" or "God, I'm drunk but thank you for loving me" or "Jesus, I don't know how to live anymore"- now that's broken honesty.
the way they take care of eachother- literally giving the shirt off their backs so their brother wouldnt have to freeze throughout the night- now thats being the body.
or take my friend Bob, for example- he found a quarter on the street and saved it all week because he "wanted me to have it".
Bob- a homeless man- with no money- no family- not even a social security card to get himself a job- giving me everything he's got.
i tell you what "church", we need to get it together.
it hurts my heart to know that our homeless friends "wouldnt be accepted in your church because of the way they are dressed".
if i'm honest, maybe i need to continue restoring my own heart- because doesn't the church start and stem from within?
i refuse to be a victim of "church".
i will find it.
and i will try to be it.