truth, hope, and joy

where to start
i dont even know
ive been meaning to write for quite some time
yet, i never seem to find the adequate words.
words dont do my heart justice anymore.
so where am i
i guess ive been on this never ending quest for truth
what is truth in this moment
what is my truth?
do we all share the same truth?
is my truth differant than your truth?
is it okay to have differant truth?
does it make it truth if its differant than your truth?
what does truth look like
how do you know when you know if something is "truth" or not
"i am the way the truth and the life"
what does that truth look like?
what does that truth REALLY look like?
truth gets distorted all too often.
and i dont want to get caught up in it.
what is truth right now- in this moment?
what else?
ive been going back and forth with "hope" too
how much hope are you supposed to hold onto when reality is fighting against you?
yes, with God all things are possible (almost cliche, i know) but when someones life is on the line and the reality is that its not looking good, do you still cling to hope for a turn around?
how can you hold onto hope without being dropped when things dont turn out the way you would "hope" for?
how much hope added with reality is still believing that God can still do all things?
ive been spending a lot of time at the hospital with my kim
i sit there in the room, as im holding her hands, and feel so helpless.
everything in me wants to rip out all of the machines hooked up to her, wake her up, and tell her its time to go home.
life is precious.
each breath that ventilator pushes in and out of kim is precious.
i look at the pain in her mom's eyes as shes talking to her baby girl three inches away from her face and im honestly at a loss for words it hurts that much.
i dont know if id be able to do it.
one of the most powerful moments of my life was when tim and i sat in kim's room with her parents, grandparents, cousins, and aunt and sang and prayed.
what was most powerful however, was when she squeezed my hand so tightly.
i know she was worshiping in her heart and soul
she may not have been alert enough to sing for herself, but in her heart, i knew that she was worshiping.
it was so much more than powerful
so much more than beautiful.
like i said, there arent words anymore to do justice.
to be quite honest this past week or so i've been struggling with being able to pray "not my will but yours"
in my heart, thats what i desire
but to be able to say it for myself, it was hard
because everything in me wants kim to walk out of there the same girl she was 2 weeks ago
thats what i want.
but when we come back down to reality, i just dont know.
seeing someone who youve known and have been so close to through the years laying in a hospital bed, hooked up to machines that are literally keeping her alive, i dont know- that just does something to you.
i hate feeling so helpless.
but in our weakness, he is strength.
and thats what i'll hold onto.
thy will be done.
joy's holding me here.
joy's sustaining me.
and truth will be my rock.

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. "You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. "You're blessed when you're content with just who you are--no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought. " Matthew 5:3-5

im blessed.