i dont know where to start
maybe i do but maybe that place is a scary place to start at
i know i havent updated this thing in a while
im sorry.
i just try to make sense of my life, yet come up so short with justifying words.
im sitting here in my room, alone.
i know im not alone
i know i have amazing people in my life
i just feel so alone
im 22 years old and live on a campus where everyone hooks up with everyone
and if youre not hooked up with someone, then youre left alone
feeling like theres something wrong with you
feeling like a picked over orphan with no one to be loved by.
but thats not truth
the truth that im going to chose to hold on to regardless of how i feel is that i am so deeply loved my by my daddy who knows the plans he has for me
i think the more you are vulnerable with people, the lonelier it sometimes gets
does that even make sense?
im lonely today.
tomorrow it will change.
lonliness probes two options- sit around in it or take this time and make every moment a moment of soaking up the stillness and oneness of God.
ill choose the latter.
and ill still hold onto truth
and allow this time of lonliness to shape me to realize that i'm not alone and that my daddy loves me more than anyone can love me.
i dont even know that its all about the "relationship" lonliness.
im lonely for being loved.
i have this great ability to not allow peoples love to affect me
my deepest desire is to love people
but somehow, in the past few years, ive put up this wall against love directed towards me.
i know i'm loved, i do.
i just dont allow it to touch my heart anymore.
and that scares me?
i allow myself to be loved by God- and accept that and make it the fullest motivating factor in my everyday
but to be loved by people, even when you are, and letting it shape your heart is hard for me?then you get into the question, "well if you arent allowing people's love to touch you deep within then how can you be allowing God's love to absorb you when one of God's greatest gifts to us is the ability to be loved by people".
and that, i dont know the answer.
vulnerability maybe?
i dont know.
you can say "well laura, just keep praying for your heart"but that prayers scary in itself
i know that the minute i do start praying that prayer, it will happenand that scares me.
ew, whats my problem?
i hate to make excuses-i really do
and i dont want to be a victim of my circumstances
but i almost feel that a lot of my fear of being loved is due to my loss of james
he loved me
he really loved me
and he made me know that he loved me everyday.
but he killed himself.
am i afraid that if i let peoples love in that they will do that and i'll go through that pain again?not really.
i think more than that i'm afraid to experiance that intimacy again because the only people who i've allowed to that level was him and a few others
and i dont have it anymore
and i want it
his love was so genuine towards me
and i accepted it for everything it was
is my view of love now distorted out of fear that someone who could love me so much could not love me enough and do that to themselves?
no because i know his suffering ran deeper than that
am i afraid to trust other peoples love?
somehow, yes.
and here i am, not even makeing sense to myself yet crying out to be loved.
deeper than my fear of being loved is my cry to be loved.
somehow, through all of this, i want to be loved.
yet i know i'm loved but dont allow it to sink in?
maybe i hold onto peoples love so much that when i'm not being loved, i experiance that lonliness
i'm so confusing, i know.
i'm such a mess
i dont even understand myself sometimes.
so here i am, being vulnerable with you.
yet deep within my heart is this longing for stillness.
that longing to envision myself resting at my Jesus' feet.
that longing to just be with Jesus because he loves me as i am- not as i want to be.
that longing to be with the one that understands my heart, fears, desires, longings more than i do myself.
a girl, loved, yet desiring to be loved, but wanting to love more than being loved.
what a mess.
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