we love, to know we're not alone.

so here i am
i havent updated in what seems like months
ive been finding it hard to put words to the way i feel/think
im learning how to connect my head with my heart
kind of trying to be more realistic and logical if you will?
i've been learning a lot about who i am and why i was made the way i was made
not phyiscally, but my heart and my mind.
and what i feel strongly about
and how i'm a differant person today than i was yesterday.
and how sometimes i like that change, yet at the same time feel like the moments are going so fast that i can never be at a point where i can pinpoint exactly who i am and the change that is happening in me because its at a constant state of differantness.
i'm learning to appreciate and value the differantness (is that even a word) about me that happens in each moment.
we have the choice to be molded with each second, but its a matter of allowing it to happen that is the defining factor in our moldability.
recently i've been learning even more about Jesus' heart and the compassion he felt for people.
when i think my heart breaks for those who are hurting, i cant even begin to try to feel the way his broke.
i had another one of those moments today while i was looking over pictures from 2006 where i was so thankful for going through and still going through loosing james.
going through that- being ripped open and exposed to all that pain has made my heart feel that much deeper for those who go through hurt and make me so compelled to love them through the pain
thats one of the most fulfilling things in my life- loving people through their pain.
being able to travel through on the journey with people is what i know i was made for.
and i like that about me.
in the movie Shadowlands- a depiction of a season of C.S. Lewis's life, his wife, Joy, battling cancer tries explaining suffering to Jack.
she says, "The pain then, is part of the happiness now. Thats just the deal."
i think it is just as true in saying that the pain now is just about the happiness later. its a hand in hand deal.
the joy does come after the sorrow.
the pain one day will be no longer.
when we're caught in worshiping our Jesus- the pain will be gone.
its just the deal.
"i believe in the sun when its not shining
i believe in love even when i dont feel it
i believe in god even wehn he feels silent."

in it all and through it all, he is an overcoming Savior and i am learning that more and more each day in allowing my heart to be shaped in molded the way his is.

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"But I trust in your UNFAILING love. I will rejoice because you HAVE resuced me. I will sing to the Lord because he's been so good to me." Psalm 13:5-6