for the glory

where do i even start?
i feel like i start every entry like that.
im going to write from my heart.
as if im not writing to an audience.
ill try, atleast.two years.
its been two years.
two hard years.
two beautiful years.
two long years
yet two fast years.
i decided that i was finally ready to go out to camp cotubic and see where james died.
i had been there a couple times before- both with church and FCA, so i had these ingrained pictures in my head of what i thought the spot would have looked like.
i was ready to clear those out.
i dont know how to even put into words how it felt.
i know that i wasnt going on my strength by any means because i am not that strong- especially when it comes to this.
it was a hard daybut somehow, it was a good day.
and i dont mean good by "oh thats good" but i mean good in the fullness and richness of what good looks like.
im hesitent to say that a lot of healing took place, even though i really feel as though it did- because im working through what healing even looks like in this situation and if ill ever find complete healing
but something good happened that daya new chapter in my healing process maybe?
there is no one in the world i would have rather gone with than anthony.
he gets my pain.
he hurts with me.
he cares about me.
he wouldnt have left me alone on that day.
he was and still is a constant source of strength and encouragement and i dont know if ill ever be able to thank him enough.
i hope that my actions can prove that back to him.
he was absolutly wonderful.
i can't believe how lucky i am.
it was good to be able to talk with the camp director and just get his opinion on things.
all in all, it was a good hard day.
if that even makes sense.
i guess its just weird that he's gone.
i dont know if it will ever not be weird.
or if it will ever be a cold hard reality.
but somehow, im okay on this journey.
i am being refined.
good has come from this.
a lot of good.
and for that, i am blessed.
well i guess ill keep this at this for the time being.
i hope this finds all of you well.